Farewell, My Heart
by GrangerDanger93
Summary: Snape is in love with his best friend Lily but she has a date and is nervous about her first kiss. Oneshot!


**My first Snape and Lily fanfic, please review! Oneshot!**

Lily and I are sitting in our usual secluded corner of the library, out of sight and mind of James Potter's gang as well as my pureblood Slytherin friends. Not that it matters, everyone else in the school is in the Great Hall for lunch. "I'm just so nervous Sev," Lily confesses and I try to keep the bitterness out of my response.

"Nervous about what Lily," I snap, immediately feeling guilty when she winces at my tone. As Lily's best friend, I should be acting sympathetic, no matter how much I wish we weren't having this conversation at all.

"What's wrong Sev," the immediate concern in her voice makes me feel even worse.

"Sorry Lils," I mutter, hopefully sincerely, "James and his posse have just been giving me a really hard time." The excuse softens her expression and she pats my arm sympathetically.

"What did they do this time?" she asks, our previous conversation suddenly forgotten. I think back to only twenty minutes earlier when I was walking back from herbology, looking forward to a nice lunch, so much better than the ones I get at home. Lily had been waiting for me, her startling green eyes darting through the crowd, looking for me.

As soon as she saw me she had rushed over, biting her lower lip like she always did when she was nervous. "Sev," she had whispered urgently, grabbing my arm and ignoring the glares she got from my Slytherin friends, "I need to talk to you." Without a second thought, I had followed her to the library, where we now sat, and there was nothing I regretted more.

I snap back to the present and force myself to look at her sparsely freckled face, "it doesn't matter Lils," I reassure her, like I always do, "go on what are you so nervous about?" She looks doubtfully at me for a moment but lets the topic of the marauders drop, for now.

She turns away for a moment, apparently transfixed, by the books that I know for a fact she has read before, probably a dozen times. Her slender fingers slowly trail up the binding of a particularly old volume and I wonder why she is stalling. "What if he kisses me?" The question is barely a whisper. If it wasn't for the absolute solitude that the library offers during lunch hour I would not have heard her.

I struggle to find the answer. It's already bad enough she didn't find her stupid Gryffindor friends Mary and Alice to gossip to when Amos Diggory asked her out, but this is just too much. I feel as if my heart is going to explode and for the second time since Herbology I want to hex a certain Hufflepuff into oblivion.

She giggled when she told me, as if she couldn't hear the sound of my heart shattering into a million pieces. It was not a giggle of spite, I know it wasn't, but I couldn't help feeling like it was. Finally, I find my voice, "I don't know if I'm the right person to be aski-"

"But that's just it Sev," Lily interrupts me, her eyes fierce, "you're my best friend, this is what best friends do right?" I nod my slowly, wishing for so much more than friendship. She buries her head in her hands, embarrassed by our conversation. "I'm so sorry Sev," she whispers, clearly mortified, "I shouldn't have asked." She slowly gets to her feet, grabbing onto a bookshelf for support, but I clasp her hand in mine.

"Lily wait!" I say desperately, not wanting her to go, "if he kisses you, it makes him the luckiest guy in all of Hogwarts." I wonder for a moment if I have said too much, but Lily looks back at me, a huge smile on her face, blushing.

"Oh Sev," she says, "you're always so sweet, why can't all guys be like you?" If only, if only, I think bitterly to myself, but I find a smile for Lily, I always have a smile for Lily. We sit in silence for a while, holding hands, just like before Hogwarts, the warmth of her hand coursing through my whole body and making me smile. When lunch hour is nearing to a close, Lily shifts and turns towards me, interrupting our comfortable silence. "I have a confession." I look at her smiling face, surprised to see a red stain creeping up her neck, and give her a questioning look. "I always thought you would be my first kiss."

She struggles to her feet and grabs her bag, checking her schedule for her next class, unaware of the large smile that has lit up my entire face. Suddenly her face is right in front of mine and her lips are on mine. It is a soft kiss and only lasts for a second, I barely have time to register that she tastes like raspberry jam before she pulls away, smiling. "Why tempt the fates?" With that question she is gone, leaving me to stare in wonder after her, asking myself why in the world I ever wanted to hex Amos Diggory.

Less than two weeks later, I rush up a flight of steps two at a time, wondering how on Earth I forgot my Defense Against the Dark Arts book the day before an exam and hoping to get it before curfew. The door to the now deserted classroom slams against the wall and a snogging couple leaps apart, startled. Embarrassed, I start to back out of the room, until a familiar pair of green eyes catches mine. "Lily," I gasp, looking around towards Diggory, who is hastily straightening his yellow and black tie, and I remember exactly why it was I wanted to curse him. I stumble out of the room, school book forgotten, trying to catch my breath.

I turn the corner to find hot tears coursing down my cheeks; I should have known I meant nothing to Lily. She had kissed me simply for a good laugh. It hadn't been real to her, none of it was, and it never had been. She does not deserve my love; she does not even deserve my friendship. I angrily kick at a suit of armor but wince as pain makes its way up my whole leg. I am better off without Lily anyway. I don't need her leading me on, now I can focus on my O.W.L.s anyway.

The Defense Against the Dark Arts exam is simple, I knew I would get an 'O' before I even finished answering the first question. The difficult part of the exam was not looking over at Lily; my last image of her was one I just want to forget: reddened and swollen lips, unruly hair, and crumpled robes. I keep my face close to the parchment and write unnecessarily long answers to the exam questions, not finishing until time is called, perfect.

I keep the exam paper clenched tightly in my hand, reading the questions over and over, not really taking it in, and hoping that Lily will not follow me out onto the grounds. Suddenly James Potter and Sirius Black are there, taunting me, and I am silently grateful. This is the perfect excuse to get out the anger I am feeling at Lily for what she did to me. I can't concentrate on my tormenters; they are getting the best of me.

Suddenly Lily is there, coming to my defense as usual, but I try to block it out, I don't need her, she broke my heart. Potter has an infatuation on that infuriatingly still makes me jealous, he becomes distracted by her and I use the opportunity to send a curse at him.

James turns back to me immediately, no longer laughing, and continues to taunt me. "Leave him alone!" Lily yells from her spot by the lake, I stop listening for a minute, wondering why she even cares. James, on the other hand, miraculously releases me. I hear him say something about being lucky that she was there. Lucky! Ha! I want to spit the word back in his face, the day I met Lily Evan's was the unluckiest day of my life. Lily made the biggest mistake of her life when she snogged Amos Diggory and I am about to make the biggest mistake of mine.

"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!" The words leave my mouth before I have time to think. Even from across the grounds I can see hurt on her face. I had wanted to hurt her so badly because she hurt me, but now that I've done it I feel even worse. The rest of Potter's torture session passes in a blur. Next thing I know Professor Slughorn is breaking up the crowd that has gathered around us and giving James and his posse a week's detention.

I wander aimlessly around the school for hours. _"You're my best friend; this is what best friends do right?" _Was it only two weeks ago we had sat in the library hand in hand, best friends? I remember the concern in her eyes when I mentioned trouble with the marauders and wince. Lily did not know I wanted to be more than friends, she did not know that her snogging Amos Diggory would leave me heartbroken. I had gotten my revenge on her for something she had not even done.

Somehow, I find myself outside of Gryffindor tower, threatening to sleep outside if Lily doesn't talk to me. I know it is a lost cause as soon as she steps out of the portrait hole, arms crossed, clad in her dressing gown. I have lost my best friend forever and with her, my heart.


End file.
